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From the
Cannibal’s Proverbs
It is better to eat than to be
eaten.
p.s.: But I’d like for
you to join us for dinner.
………………………………………………
A Mind?
Charley: Oh, Bud, I’m just in a whirlwind! With all my school
assignments, I’m afraid I’ll lose my cotton-picking
mind.
Bud: Oh, relax, Charley. You really have
nothing to worry
about.
Charley: What do you
mean?
Bud: You can never lose anything you’ve never
had.
………………………………………………
Who Craves a Plan
Like This?
Dr. Sorta: Sorry to be late, Mr.
Looser.
Patient Loser: ‘s OK, doctor. But… uh… I just don’t
feel so well
today.
Dr. Sorta:
Well, I’m
afraid your test showed you have picked up a very dangerous
poison from some
place.
Patient Loser: Must have been that place I ate
the other night.
That’s the night I was brought
to the emergency
room.
Dr. Sorta: Well, I’m afraid the bad news
is that it’s fatal!
Patient Loser: How awful, Doc! How much time do I
have?
Dr. Sorta: But there is a bit of good
news, though. We
do have an effective antidote.
Patient Loser: Wow, that’s a relief! Thank you,
Doc.
Dr. Sorta: Well, I’m very, very sorry, but
you needed the antidote no later than last night and...
uh… Well, I was in surgery
and… Well, I just
simply forgot to administer your antidote afterwards.
So very, very sorry! But I still have a bit
of good news
anyway.
Patient Loser: Thank you, Doc. I really need
it.
Dr. Sorta: You know, not many people have
ever been able to do what you’re about to be able to
do.
Patient Loser: What’s that,
Doc?
Dr. Sorta: I’ve gotten your family
together. They’re
waiting outside so you will be able to participate with them
in planning your very own
funeral.
………………………………………………
Mary—Good?
Terrible?
Tom
to his other teenage friends: Oh, Mary is just simply wonderful. Well, maybe not quite
wonderful. She
does bug me a little sometimes. Well, she does a
little more than bug me—she actually shouts at me. Oh, she actually goes
much further. She
throws things at me and hates me. She is really
terrible! I hate
her! Well, not
hate exactly.
I mean she’s really not all that bad. She does say nice
things about me sometimes. As a matter of fact,
she plays nicely with me a lot. She even hugs me every
day. She’s really
a wonderful girl.
After all, she is my little
sister.
………………………………………………
Political
Blues
Survey Pole Taker: Good
morning, sir.
Could you tell me how you plan to cast your
vote?
Citizen: I’m
going to vote for a
horse.
Survey Pole Taker: Don’t
you mean a
donkey—for a democratic
candidate?
Citizen: No,
I mean I think it’s high time to vote for a little common
horse sense for Washington
politics!
………………………………………………
Kitty
Humor
John: Jerry, want to hear a
joke?
Jerry: Not really, but I can SHOW you a
joke.
John: What d’ye mean SHOW ME A JOKE?
Jerry: Well, just look at my cat, Fluffy, over
near the fence.
He is a joke after he had a hard catch—a bird—and then
let it get
away.
………………………………………………
Need to
Refill Your Gas Tank?
Husband, coming from the
bathroom: Boy, do I feel relief! If what I just flushed
down the commode had been gasoline, it would have been over a
hundred dollars in value!
Wife, nonchalantly: Really? Before you went to the
bathroom, I thought you said that your bladder was
full.
………………………………………………
Shooting
Competition, Anyone?
Melvin,
a Teenage Boy:
Jack, did you ever
shoot a deer?
Jack,
second Teenage Boy:
No. The only thing I ever
shot was an old shotgun and it kicked me down. But I don’t think I
could even lift a deer, much less find the trigger.
………………………………………………
Kitchen
Hash
It all started when the
refrigerator door flung open and the stove got all hot about
the cool reception the refrigerator gave it. From there the popcorn
started popping off to everybody such that the kettle started
steaming and the toaster cord short-circuited and really blew
a fuse. As if
that weren’t enough, the pancake overheated and resorted to
smoking enough to set off the alarm. From there it was all
down hill from bad to worse, just too much for
description!
………………………………………………
Memory lapse,
anybody?
If you wish to know my secret for my
fabulous, clear and crisp memory—simply perfect in every
way—I’ll clue you in.
You see, I constantly practice three effective
principles that absolutely guarantee that anyone who employs
them will successfully maintain this perfect
memory.
The first principle…uh, really has
slipped my mind.
The other two…well, I’ve really forgotten what they
are!
…………………………………..
George
and His Perfect Wife
Well, just maybe my wife, Jill,
ain’t ‘xactly perfect.
But she’s always trying to make everything around the
house perfect.
Take, for example, she got in one
of those moods of shifting the furniture all around the living
room. She wanted the piano
all the way on the other side of the room where the TV was and
the TV in front of the table and the couch where the table was
and on and on she had me beating up on myself until finally
she shouted, “That’s it!
It’s perfect,
now.”
You know, I didn’t have the heart
to tell her that the room was back ‘xactly the way it was
before we started.
Anyway, I sure didn’t want to point that out to her for
fear she would start pushing me to move all the furniture
all around again.
…………………………………..
Is
There a Cat Around,
Anyone?
Joe drank all his milk and wanted some
more.
And he took the milk and poured it on the
floor.
“What are you doing?” his mama dared
scream.
“Well, I drank my milk and to me it did
seem,”
Joe observed as he looked at the milk on the
floor,
“That a glass did not rhyme with
the word more!
And though the milk I wanted to
drink
Was poured on the floor, I continue to
think
To sound just right, just as they
should,
Floor and more are words that
could.”
…………………………………..
Recipes
English
Delight
Ingredients: 1 long
feather
1
sleeping Englishman
Instructions: Take the feather
between the index finger and the thumb. Gently remove cover
from the sleeping Englishman. Lightly brush the
feather across the sole of the feet until the Englishman
begins to laugh.
As soon as the Englishman starts to laugh, you know you
have English Delight.
…………………………………..
Whatcha Call
It?
Ingredients: 8 blue marbles rolled
in glue
1
large dinner plate
Instructions: Place marbles
onto plate to create a smiling face. Let dry. Then, set aside. This is only for
decoration. Do not
eat.
Main Dish Recipe
Ingredients: 2 cans of salmon
2
cups of peanut butter
1
tablespoon of black pepper
1
cup of brown sugar
1
cup of vinegar
2
tablespoons of baking soda
1
orange peel minced
Instructions: Place salmon in a pot
and simmer with just enough water to keep from scorching. Spoon out the
peanut butter and
stir into the pot with salmon. Add black pepper and
continue stirring vigorously for two minutes. Then, stir in the
brown sugar and allow to heat on low for one minute. Remove from heat and
add vinegar. Let
stand for one hour.
Then, add the baking soda and the minced orange
peel. Pour into
baking pan and bake in oven preheated to 375 degrees for
thirty minutes.
Remove from oven and serve hot.
The dish may taste even worse than it
looks, but it serves as a good remedy to offer those nosy
neighbors who seem to stop by for a free meal during your
dinner time. But
even if that fails, you can still enjoy your smiling face
plate.
…………………………………..
Something
wrong?
Howard: Hi, Bill, you look a bit down. Something bothering
you?
Bill:
Oh,
Howard,
I really thought everything was
great, but…
Howard:
But?
Bill:
Well…
Howard: Yes?
Bill: You just wouldn't believe it!
It all started when I went into the
boss’s office, and…
Howard:
Oh, no.
He fired
you?
Bill: Nothing like that. It was… Oh,
you're just not going to believe this.
I...
Howard: Go
on.
Bill: The boss
was all smiles and had me to sit
down.
Howard:
And?
Bill:
Oh,
he began to tell me how great a
worker I am. I
mean, he built me up to high heaven. I couldn’t believe
it. I started
feeling of myself to see if I were the same guy. I mean,
me! Can
you imagine? He
said he was promoting me. I mean, me, of
all people.
Howard: Oh, that sounds
great!
Bill:
But that’s not the half of it. He said I also need a
lots of time off—that I have been simply working too hard and
all too many hours—that I could stay home a couple of
years. Can you
imagine? A
couple of years.
Howard:
Oh, dear.
How will you live without a pay check all that
time?
Bill: No!
No! You
don’t understand, Howard. He also assured me
that he would continue to mail my pay check to me.
Only…
Howard: Only, it would be very small,
right?
Bill:
Absolutely not. Quite the contrary, my
pay check would be
tripled!
Howard:
Oh, you’re right, Bill. I don’t believe
you!
Bill: Well, at first, I just couldn’t believe it
either, but he handed me my first check, and sure enough, it
was tripled.
Howard: Bill, I’m still waiting for the catch. You know, that
something that has made you feel so
badly
Bill:
Oh,
I assure you that there was
absolutely no
catch.
Howard:
I don’t understand, Bill. If there were no
catch, why the sad
face
Bill:
Oh,
Howard,
the
really bad thing was that when I heard all this and had the
check in my hand, I started leaping up and down for
joy!
Howard:
Oh, yes. I think I’m beginning
to see the light.
Your boss saw the display of emotion and changed his
mind about you.
Bill:
Not at all, Howard. I just jumped so hard
that I fell off the bed into the floor and woke
up!
…………………………………..
Overheard
on the Playground
Jane,
looking at a paper and murmuring with disgust: My older brother makes me so mad. I’m ‘shame of
him. His essay
has the worstest grammar what I haven’t never saw before. He orda know he ain’t
‘spose to use no ain’t in good
grammar.
…………………………………..
Hay, Jack, I got the best teacher
in the world. I
forgot to hand in my homework, and she didn’t take anything
off. I know,
‘cause I saw the grade in the grade book and it was zero,
man.
…………………………………..
Well,
Change, Anyone?
Within the course of human affairs
contributions have played an important role in reaching out to
meet needs and lift the human spirit to new plateaus. Such can be
demonstrated in the following
event.
A
politician:
My
dear sir, I see your sign for a contribution for helping
veterans to be a just cause . I would gladly help,
except I have no change.
Charity
worker with pot:
Oh, thank you, sir, but if you would still like
to make a contribution, I think I can easily change a
bill.
Politician: Oh, well, yes. Would you have change
for this penny?
Charity
worker with pot:
Oh, my goodness, the smallest coin I have is a
dime, sir. And
even that is the only dime I
have.
Politician: Humm. What’s the year that
dime was minted?
Charity
worker with pot:
Well, let’s see. It was
1963.
Politician: Really. May I see
it?
Charity
worker with pot:
Of course.
Politician: Why,
you’re right.
Tell you what.
Here’s the penny.
I’ll keep the dime for part of the change anyway and
return at another time for the rest of the change! But
if I don't, you may keep all the rest of the change for a
contribution.
Kindergarten
Insight
Little
Karl in K-4:
Ruth, guess what I learned from a first
grader. They're
smart!
Little
Ruth in K-4:
What?
Little
Karl in K-4:
See
this?
Little
Ruth in K-4:
Yeah, it’s a
finger.
Little
Karl in K-4:
Well,
what do you call those short, fat fingers on my feet—the two
biggest ones?
Little
Ruth in K-4:
I don’t know. I never did see
fingers on any
feet.
Little
Karl in K-4:
Ruth, don’t you know anything? They are
toes!
Little
Ruth in K-4:
But…
Little
Karl in K-4:
And what are these on my
hands?
Little
Ruth in K-4:
I think they are
fingers.
Little
Karl in K-4:
Yeah, these long, skinny toes are
fingers.
Later at Ruth’s
home:
Little
Ruth’s mother:
Ruth,
dear, what did you learn in kindergarten today?
Little
Ruth:
I learned that toes are fat fingers and fingers
are long toes.
Well,
It Kinda Sounds
Right—Almost
My wife—bless her heart—made an
observation when I complained about our spending too much time
in her flower garden.
“Honey,” I say, “I think we’re going overboard. After all, the flowers
already look great and my back… well, you know. I’m not as
young as I used to be.”
And she looks at me just like she
can see right through me, you know? Then she sighs real
big-like and erupts with, “Well, who’s asking you? If you’ll just stop
long enough to see the roses, you might know that the
better our garden looks, the more relevant it makes the
sunshine and the rain!”
Then,
I think to myself.
I wouldn’t dare speak it to my wife; bless her
heart. But I
think, “Yeah, and the more I labor, the more my back makes
aspirin and back rubs more relevant.”
You
Don’t Say?
The
bad news:
I’m a day older today than I was
yesterday.
The
good news:
I’m a day younger today than I will
be tomorrow, if I’m still breathing
tomorrow.
The optimist in me: But, hey, I doubt I would complain if I’m
not breathing tomorrow.
Anyway, I’ve really never heard people who aren’t
breathing complain.
Needless
Observations
If
only we would worry about those things over which we
have no control, perhaps we would worry not at all, for
we have no control over our even being here and should fare
well when we give our all.
…………………………………
As a very last resort when
searching for some object, you may accidentally find it if you
look in the exact location where it's supposed to be
kept.
…………………………………
If you can’t read English,
then why are you reading
this?
…………………………………
If at first you don’t
succeed, just thank God that you’re not a suicide bomber. They fail every time
they succeed!
…………………………………
If you can’t stand your
boss, you might cause him to die of shock if you suddenly
became the most dedicated, successful and productive employee
in the company.
Neat Spelling Bee
Teacher: Now, Jane, you are tied with John and John has
missed the last spelling word. You’ll win if you can
spell this next word
right…
Jane:
R-i-g-h-t, right.
Teacher: No, wait, Jane. You don’t
understand.
I…
Jane: I mean w-r-i-t-e,
write.
Teacher: Hold
it, I…
Jane: But I do
mean, r-i-t-e, rite, like for a church or
something.
Teacher,
raising her voice:
Jane,
I haven’t given you the word yet.
Jane: Oh, I know that
one. It’s easy:
y-e-t, yet.
Paper
Plates, Anyone?
Clark: I’ll tell you, Clare, my grandma lives so far
back in the hills that she don’t know nothing about
civilization. And
I mean nothing!
Clare:
Why, Clark,
you don’t think much of your own grandma, do
you?
Clark: Oh, she’s really OK, only
weird.
Clare:
Weird?
Clark: I don’t mean no disrespect or nothing. Only, well… I’ll just tell you
what happened last summer when we went up there. We decided to go out
in their nice pasture on a picnic and dad took out some paper
plates and grandma was shocked.
Son, she said, you’ve done gone and
throwed your money away on them there old plates. Pa just bought some a
couple of months ago down in the big city and they ain’t worth
nothing. After
you use them once and try to wash them, they just fall all to
pieces!
Did
I Miss Something?
Elderly
Lady on train: Oh,
Conductor, could you please tell me how much further until we
get to West Haven?
Conductor: I’m
very sorry, lady, but we went through West Haven more than an
hour ago.
Elderly
Lady:
Oh, you’re such a nice young man. Thank you very
much. I think I
now have time to go back and finish my
nap!
A Good
Bedtime Story
Dad: All right, Sweet Jane, as you wish, I’ll tell
you a bedtime story.
Jane:
This time, daddy, please tell me a brand new
story. One I’ve
never heard.
Dad: Well, OK.
I’ll do just that. Let’s see. Oh, yes. Once upon a
time…
Jane:
No!
No, daddy!
I have heard that one!
Dad: Well… Yes, there was daddy bear, see? See my big, white
teeth, my dear Sweet Jane. His teeth were like
mine. He looked
at his little Jane bear and said, I like you so much
that I could just eat you
up!
Jane:
No, daddy!
Please go back to the Once upon a
time…
The Catchy If Addition
I am looking forward to
spending my two-million-dollar windfall, if I just don’t wake up too
early.
Today is the first day of
the rest of my life, if I
am not already dead.
I’m going to get married,
if I can find a boyfriend
with poor eyesight enough to listen to me.
My wife and I are going to
get that nice house we’ve always wanted, if she kicks the bucket and I
collect on the large life insurance
policy.
Dangerous Errors
Nurse excitedly rushing into surgery calling:
Doctor,
a horrible mistake has been made. It is the left arm to be
amputated, not the right.
Doctor, looking in shock at the detached arm in his hand:
Great
Scott, it’s too late!
Nurse, sighing with relief: Oh, it’s OK, doctor. That isn’t
Mr. Smith after all. That’s only the seventeen-year-old boy
here for a tonsillectomy.
Politics
Henry: Mark, you had better tone down your religious
fervor a bit. Some might start calling you a religious
right.
Mark: But I really am! Anyway, I’d much
rather be right than wrong.
....................................
John Q. Public: Senator, I have kept up with your record. You
have failed to keep any of your promises that got you
elected.
Senator: Sir, I commend you on your diligent record
keeping. However, may I remind you, my dear friend, that it
may take two or three re-elections to propel me into the
impetus to start fulfilling your expectations of me?
John Q. Public: And may I remind the Senator that the public
can vote you out until you prove to them you stand ready to
move on your
promises?
....................................
Report from a Republican committee member: I have kept up with
democratic Senator Wilson. I smelled something very fishy and
as I watched his home, my worst suspicions were confirmed. He
entered his house about eleven o’clock at night with a string
of fish that would choke an elephant.
Alternate Version
Report from a Republican committee member: I have kept up with
democratic Senator Wilson. I smelled something very fishy and
as I watched his home, my worst suspicions were confirmed. He
entered his house about eleven o’clock at night with a string
of fish that would make a donkey Nay
and
choke an
elephant.
You Don’t
Say
Ralph: Bud, do
you know the difference between a rat and a
cat?
Bud: A
cola.
Ralph: A
cola? How do you get that?
Bud: You know,
an RC
Cola.
Ralph: How is that the difference between a
rat and a cat? Are you saying that the
rat or the cat likes RC Cola and the other
one doesn’t and that’s the difference between
them?
Bud: No,
silly.
Ralph: Then, just what do you
mean?
Bud: What they
both have in common is _at. Place an R in front for rat and a C in front for cat and
RC is the difference
and RC is a
cola.
________________________________
Mother: Ted, did you not clean
your room? I specifically told you that you needed to clean it
before today.
Ted: Oh, mom, you know, I’ve been thinking. I
clean my room. OK? Then it gets dirty and untidy again.
Then, I clean it again. OK? And every time it just gets all
messed up again. OK? So, I think to myself, it’s really
useless just to clean my room since it’s sure to get all out
of shape again. So, if it’s all right with you, I think I’ll
pass on cleaning it.
Mother: Well, since you put it
that way, I guess it’ll be OK. And I’m glad you understand
that I don’t think I’ll fix your breakfast for you this
morning since you would just get hungry again
anyway.
Ted: On second
thought, mom, I think I'll be upstairs cleaning while you fix
my breakfast.
A Needed
Change
Jake always ate eggs and ham
for breakfast. He would never consider any other foods.
However, he eventually became so very bored with eggs and ham
that he sat and thought and thought. What to do? What to
do?
Then, it hit him like a bolt
from the sky. Rather than having eggs and ham for breakfast,
for a change he would have ham and
eggs!
Dealing
with Problems
Little Hubert answering the phone:
Let me understand this, Mike. You and
Bill expected me to be at the swimming pool with you
this morning.
Little Mike: You did say last night
you would be there this
morning.
Little Hubert: Yes, but it rained last
night.
Little Mike: That's
right , but the sun was shinning this
morning.
Little Hubert: But I figured, since it
rained so hard, the pool would still be wet from all that
rain.
------------
Little Boy, holding up a candy bar to the store
clerk: Is this the candy that you buy one and
get one free?
Store Clerk: Why, yes. That’s the
one.
Little Boy: Well, I’m keeping this one for
the free one. Let somebody else buy the other one.
------------
College freshman to professor:
Sir, I apologize for being fifteen
minutes late for class, but I promise to leave fifteen minutes
before the end of class to make up for
that.
------------
Electrician helper: Oh, man. I cut this
wire off twice and it’s still too
short.
------------
Advice from a second grader to his first grade
friend: Never put off until tomorrow what you
can put off until a day after tomorrow.
-------Unexpected
Twist-------
Mr. Jones: All our pastor
talks about lately is his new granddaughter. Does your pastor
ever get off on a tangent like that?
Mr. Smith: Not at all. Our
pastor has nothing to say like that.
Mr. Jones: Great! I ought to
go to your church.
Mr. Smith: Not
really.
Mr. Jones: Well, I could
certainly stand to be around a pastor who has nothing like
that to say.
Mr. Smith: He has nothing at
all to say all right, but the trouble is he uses an hour to
say it anyway!
Odd Situations
Harmon: Sue, did you hear
about the preacher who dreamed he was preaching? Then, he woke
up and found himself standing behind the pulpit actually
preaching.
Sue: How embarrassing! I
guess he was in hot water then.
Harmon: Not really. He found
himself off the hook when he discovered he had also put the
whole congregation to sleep.
…………………………….
Little Joy: Rick, why are
you crying?
Little Rick: I had a pet
lizard and he…and he…he got loose and got out of the
house.
Little Joy: And he got
lost?
Little Rick: Worse than
that!
Little Joy: And somebody
else found him and took him away?
Little Rick: Worse than
that! Daddy was mowing and he got under the mower and it cut
him all to pieces!
Little Joy: Oh, my. How
awful! I hope he didn’t get hurt too bad.
Useless Tips
When we misplace something, we could save much time by
avoiding searching where the object is not, and go to exactly
where it is to look for it.
…………
When cutting up a chicken to be prepared for cooking, we
may avoid the chicken running away by first chopping its head
off .
…………
When taking a trip from one city to another, it’s better
not to miss the journey because we might miss the scenery in
between.
…………
It’s better to place the bed on the
floor in the bedroom rather than on the ceiling. That way, if
we fall off the bed, we don’t have as far to fall to the
floor.
…………
Since there’s always a
mile between
smiles, perhaps we should travel
more to smile a lot.
…………
Think About That
George to his close friend, Bill: I really need ten more dollars to get that gift I
need to give you for your birthday. Could you loan the ten
dollars 'til next Friday?
Bill: Oh, no. I only have
five dollars.
George: Tell you what. Just
let me borrow that and I'll try to get the other from
mom.
Bill: Sure. It's nice of you
to get me that gift.
George: I just thought of
something. You can forget about the other five you didn't have
to loan me. Since I can get the other five from mom, we'll
just call it even. You owe me five you didn't have and I owe
you five you just loaned me. Now, we're
even.
__________________________________________________________
Grandpa to grandchildren’s parents: I guess you know that it’s only due to my
generosity that I allow you to keep my grandchildren part of
the
time.
__________________________________________________________
Son (on phone to his dad): Dad, this storm is bad and we have hail over here.
Do you have hail over there?
Dad: No, son. Your mom’s not
here.
__________________________________________
Bert: Jeff, I’m trying to
learn proportions for my art class. Can you tell me how long a
man’s legs should be?
Jeff, rubbing his chin thoughtfully: Well, let me see. I really don’t think he’d have
too much trouble if his legs are long enough to reach the
floor.
__________________________________________________________
Politician to his psychiatrist: I have a serious problem.
Psychiatrist:
Oh?
Politician: This is
terrible! I am beginning to believe the lies I have been
telling everyone.
__________________________________________________________
John to his father: Dad, I
saw a koala bear today.
Dad, with a smile: Oh, you
probably just saw a cat.
John: No, it had four legs
and my class saw it, too.
Dad: But, John, cats have
four legs.
John: But it had
ears.
Dad: cats have
ears.
John: But it had hair all
over it.
Dad: cats have hair all
over, too.
John: Goodness! The teacher
lied to us when she showed us that cat at the zoo!
__________________________________________________________
Barney to his friend, Jeff:
Why so gloomy, Jeff?
Jeff: Everybody thinks I am
just making up stuff.
Barney: About
what?
Jeff: Oh, you know. Even
Fred thinks I’m off my rocker.
Barney: I don’t follow you.
What stuff do they think you’re making up?
Jeff: Just because I said I
saw a real bear in the woods near my home, they laughed at me
and said I didn’t know what I was talking about. Fred even
said I wouldn’t even know a bear if it slept in bed with me.
He thinks I am crazy.
Barney: I hate to admit it,
Jeff, but I think your imagination is far too active. I mean,
really. I saw for myself what you thought to be a bear in the
woods near your home. It was only one of those rare surviving
dinosaurs that everybody thinks to be extinct!
__________________________________________________________
If grandchildren can be great enough to make grandparents
great, I must be the greatest grandparent in the
world!
DEFINITIONS
eternity —The length
of time it takes for the guy in front of you to start to roll
after the signal light turns green.
split second —The
brevity of time it takes for the guy behind you to blow his
horn the instant the light changes to green as you are
starting to press the gas.
major surgery —Any
surgery on me.
minor surgery— Any
surgery on anyone other than me.
great sermon— The
wonderful sermon the pastor preaches getting all those other
church members told off.
meddlesome sermon— The probe the pastor uses to criticize my
delightful and harmless little habits I enjoy that are my own
private business.
humility— That
quality in me which lovingly allows my wife to be right when
she is wrong.
resourcefulness— The
ability I have to keep to the sidelines to allow others in the
church to realize their potential so that they may grow and
reach others in the community.
prayer— The tool I
have which offers a last resort to bargain with God when all
else fails.
pride— That spirit of
those church members who fail to embrace some of my ideas as
to how the church should be run.
OVERHEARD
A grandpa moaning: "T hey took
my sweet four-year-old granddaughter on a vacation for a whole
week. That week was the longest two months of my
life."
-------
Father to his son: "John,
I’ve told you a hundred-trillion times: Don’t ever in the
tiniest little bit exaggerate!"
-------
Husband: "Sally, since
you’re starving me to death on your diet binge to lose weight,
I have a sure fire plan for you other than starvation."
Wife:
"Really?"
Husband: "Go to bed without
cleaning the kitchen, set the alarm for three o’clock in the
morning, and then get up and clean the kitchen before going
back to bed."
Wife: "And that’s supposed
to make me lose weight?"
Husband: "Not really, but
it’ll make you so tired you won’t care any more about losing
weight!"
-------
Wife, looking up from reading the paper: "You remember old Mr. Brown?"
Husband: "You mean the guy
in our church who’s been getting worse each
year?"
Wife: "Yes. He just passed
away last night."
Husband: "Well, from now on
I don’t think he’ll be getting any worse."
-------
Joe: "Bill, I’d like for you
to meet my new dog, Sport."
Sport: "Hello,
Bill."
Bill: "Holy cow, a dog that
speaks! How smart."
Joe: "Oh, Sport isn’t all
that smart."
Bill: "Any dog that can talk
has to be smart."
Joe: "Not really. He may be
able to speak, but his spelling is atrocious!"
-------
Lady at a PTO gathering: "My
husband has the most lovable mother-in-law in the world."
-------
Old man to young groom:
"When you’ve been married as long as I have, you learn all
there is to know about women. That is, you learn that there’s
nothing that can be learned about women and that’s all there
is to know about them."
-------
Doctor to patient: "You’re
as fit as a fiddle, even in your eighties—but maybe with a
few strings missing
-------
Boy to
mother: "But I did all my homework around the house. That
other stuff is the teacher’s
homework she gave the class to do, but no matter
if she says it is our
homework, I sure ain’t doing hers."
-------
First grader to a kindergartner: "Boy, I used to think I was learning a lot in
kindergarten. But when I moved up to first grade, man, they
lay a lot on you and expect you to study in order to
learn."
-------
Deacon to pastor: "Preacher,
I sure wish I could qualify to pastor a church so that I would
never have to work another day in my life."
-------
Rich boy to poor boy: "All
this wealth sure isn’t what it’s cooked up to be. No body
would even let me buy a pilot’s license and it won’t do me no
good to buy a plane if I can’t fly it."
Just in Case You Didn’t
Know…
What is today? Easy, right? Today is that day which is no
other day. Well, in case that’s a bit blasé, how about
this one: Today is yesterday’s tomorrow, and tomorrow’s
yesterday? Hummm… Oh, well.
Did you know that the sun is about 93,000,000 miles from
earth, except in the desert during summer? Then, it’s so close
as to hug and roast our bodies.
Do you know how to figure this out? My youngest grandchild,
Chloe, has just turned three and weighs about 33 pounds. If
you can solve this amazing problem, you’re a genius: How can
that fifty tons of sweetness reflecting through her
countenance grace such a little body as hers? But then, I also
have similar problems in figuring my other five
grandchildren’s sweetness. And if you’re a grandparent, I just
wager you have quite a similar problem.
....................................
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--Colossians
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