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For
Children and Adults
Note: We seek to provide links that can be helpful
on this Website. However, we do not
necessarily endorse all the subject matter nor all the ideas
expressed through these Website links.
Who Craves a Plan
Like This?
Dr. Sorta: Sorry to be late, Mr.
Looser.
Patient Looser: s OK, doctor. But
uh
I just dont
feel so well
today.
Dr. Sorta:
Well, Im
afraid your test showed you have picked up a very dangerous
poison from some
place.
Patient Looser: Must have been that place I ate
the other night.
Thats the night I was brought
to the emergency
room.
Dr. Sorta: Well, Im afraid the bad news
is that its fatal!
Patient Looser: How awful, Doc! How much time do I
have?
Dr. Sorta: But there is a bit of good
news, though. We
do have an effective antidote.
Patient Looser: Wow, thats a relief! Thank you,
Doc.
Dr. Sorta: Well, Im very, very sorry, but
you needed the antidote no later than last night and...
uh
Well, I was in surgery
and
Well, I just
simply forgot to administer your antidote afterwards.
So very, very sorry! But I still have a bit
of good news
anyway.
Patient Looser: Thank you, Doc. I really need
it.
Dr. Sorta: You know, not many people have
ever been able to do what youre about to be able to
do.
Patient Looser: Whats that,
Doc?
Dr. Sorta: Ive gotten your family
together. Theyre
waiting outside so you will be able to participate with them
in planning your very own
funeral.
MaryGood?
Terrible?
Tom
to his other teenage friends: Oh, Mary is just simply wonderful. Well, maybe not quite
wonderful. She
does bug me a little sometimes. Well, she does a
little more than bug meshe actually shouts at me. Oh, she actually goes
much further. She
throws things at me and hates me. She is really
terrible! I hate
her! Well, not
hate exactly.
I mean shes really not all that bad. She does say nice
things about me sometimes. As a matter of fact,
she plays nicely with me a lot. She even hugs me every
day. Shes really
a wonderful girl.
After all, she is my little
sister.
Political
Blues
Survey Pole Taker: Good
morning, sir.
Could you tell me how you plan to cast your
vote?
Citizen: Im
going to vote for a
horse.
Survey Pole Taker: Dont
you mean a
donkeyfor a democratic
candidate?
Citizen: No,
I mean I think its high time to vote for a little common
horse sense for Washington
politics!
Kitty
Humor
John: Jerry, want to hear a
joke?
Jerry: Not really, but I can SHOW you a
joke.
John: What dye mean SHOW ME A JOKE?
Jerry: Well, just look at my cat, Fluffy, over
near the fence.
He is a joke after he had a hard catcha birdand then
let it get
away.
Need to
Refill Your Gas Tank?
Husband, coming from the
bathroom: Boy, do I feel relief! If what I just flushed
down the commode had been gasoline, it would have been over a
hundred dollars in value!
Wife, nonchalantly: Really? Before you went to the
bathroom, I thought you said that your bladder was
full.
Shooting
Competition, Anyone?
Melvin,
a Teenage Boy:
Jack, did you ever
shoot a deer?
Jack,
second Teenage Boy:
No. The only thing I ever
shot was an old shotgun and it kicked me down. But I dont think I
could even lift a deer, much less find the trigger.
Kitchen
Hash
It all started when the
refrigerator door flung open and the stove got all hot about
the cool reception the refrigerator gave it. From there the popcorn
started popping off to everybody such that the kettle started
steaming and the toaster cord short-circuited and really blew
a fuse. As if
that werent enough, the pancake overheated and resorted to
smoking enough to set off the alarm. From there it was all
down hill from bad to worse, just too much for
description!
Memory lapse,
anybody?
If you wish to know my secret for my
fabulous, clear and crisp memorysimply perfect in every
wayIll clue you in.
You see, I constantly practice three effective
principles that absolutely guarantee that anyone who employs
them will successfully maintain this perfect
memory.
The first principle
uh, really has
slipped my mind.
The other two
well, Ive really forgotten what they
are!
..
George
and His Perfect Wife
Well, just maybe my wife, Jill,
aint xactly perfect.
But shes always trying to make everything around the
house perfect.
Take, for example, she got in one
of those moods of shifting the furniture all around the living
room. She wanted the piano
all the way on the other side of the room where the TV was and
the TV in front of the table and the couch where the table was
and on and on she had me beating up on myself until finally
she shouted, Thats it!
Its perfect,
now.
You know, I didnt have the heart
to tell her that the room was back xactly the way it was
before we started.
Anyway, I sure didnt want to point that out to her for
fear she would start pushing me to move all the furniture
all around again.
..
Is
There a Cat Around,
Anyone?
Joe drank all his milk and wanted some
more.
And he took the milk and poured it on the
floor.
What are you doing? his mama dared
scream.
Well, I drank my milk and to me it did
seem,
Joe observed as he looked at the milk on the
floor,
That a glass did not rhyme with
the word more!
And though the milk I wanted to
drink
Was poured on the floor, I continue to
think
To sound just right, just as they
should,
Floor and more are words that
could.
..
Recipes
English
Delight
Ingredients: 1 long
feather
1
sleeping Englishman
Instructions: Take the feather
between the index finger and the thumb. Gently remove cover
from the sleeping Englishman. Lightly brush the
feather across the sole of the feet until the Englishman
begins to laugh.
As soon as the Englishman starts to laugh, you know you
have English Delight.
..
Whatcha Call
It?
Ingredients: 8 blue marbles rolled
in glue
1
large dinner plate
Instructions: Place marbles
onto plate to create a smiling face. Let dry. Then, set aside. This is only for
decoration. Do not
eat.
Main Dish Recipe
Ingredients: 2 cans of salmon
2
cups of peanut butter
1
tablespoon of black pepper
1
cup of brown sugar
1
cup of vinegar
2
tablespoons of baking soda
1
orange peel minced
Instructions: Place salmon in a pot
and simmer with just enough water to keep from scorching. Spoon out the
peanut butter and
stir into the pot with salmon. Add black pepper and
continue stirring vigorously for two minutes. Then, stir in the
brown sugar and allow to heat on low for one minute. Remove from heat and
add vinegar. Let
stand for one hour.
Then, add the baking soda and the minced orange
peel. Pour into
baking pan and bake in oven preheated to 375 degrees for
thirty minutes.
Remove from oven and serve hot.
The dish may taste even worse than it
looks, but it serves as a good remedy to offer those nosy
neighbors who seem to stop by for a free meal during your
dinner time. But
even if that fails, you can still enjoy your smiling face
plate.
..
Something
wrong?
Howard: Hi, Bill, you look a bit down. Something bothering
you?
Bill:
Oh,
Howard,
I really thought everything was
great, but
Howard:
But?
Bill:
Well
Howard: Yes?
Bill: You just wouldn't believe it!
It all started when I went into the
bosss office, and
Howard:
Oh, no.
He fired
you?
Bill: Nothing like that. It was
Oh,
you're just not going to believe this.
I...
Howard: Go
on.
Bill: The boss
was all smiles and had me to sit
down.
Howard:
And?
Bill:
Oh,
he began to tell me how great a
worker I am. I
mean, he built me up to high heaven. I couldnt believe
it. I started
feeling of myself to see if I were the same guy. I mean,
me! Can
you imagine? He
said he was promoting me. I mean, me, of
all people.
Howard: Oh, that sounds
great!
Bill:
But thats not the half of it. He said I also need a
lots of time offthat I have been simply working too hard and
all too many hoursthat I could stay home a couple of
years. Can you
imagine? A
couple of years.
Howard:
Oh, dear.
How will you live without a pay check all that
time?
Bill: No!
No! You
dont understand, Howard. He also assured me
that he would continue to mail my pay check to me.
Only
Howard: Only, it would be very small,
right?
Bill:
Absolutely not. Quite the contrary, my
pay check would be
tripled!
Howard:
Oh, youre right, Bill. I dont believe
you!
Bill: Well, at first, I just couldnt believe it
either, but he handed me my first check, and sure enough, it
was tripled.
Howard: Bill, Im still waiting for the catch. You know, that
something that has made you feel so
badly
Bill:
Oh,
I assure you that there was
absolutely no
catch.
Howard:
I dont understand, Bill. If there were no
catch, why the sad
face
Bill:
Oh,
Howard,
the
really bad thing was that when I heard all this and had the
check in my hand, I started leaping up and down for
joy!
Howard:
Oh, yes. I think Im beginning
to see the light.
Your boss saw the display of emotion and changed his
mind about you.
Bill:
Not at all, Howard. I just jumped so hard
that I fell off the bed into the floor and woke
up!
..
Overheard
on the Playground
Jane,
looking at a paper and murmuring with disgust: My older brother makes me so mad. Im shame of
him. His essay
has the worstest grammar what I havent never saw before. He orda know he aint
spose to use no aint in good
grammar.
..
Hay, Jack, I got the best teacher
in the world. I
forgot to hand in my homework, and she didnt take anything
off. I know,
cause I saw the grade in the grade book and it was zero,
man.
..
Well,
Change, Anyone?
Within the course of human affairs
contributions have played an important role in reaching out to
meet needs and lift the human spirit to new plateaus. Such can be
demonstrated in the following
event.
A
politician:
My
dear sir, I see your sign for a contribution for helping
veterans to be a just cause . I would gladly help,
except I have no change.
Charity
worker with pot:
Oh, thank you, sir, but if you would still like
to make a contribution, I think I can easily change a
bill.
Politician: Oh, well, yes. Would you have change
for this penny? &n | | |
